My Last Days: Meet Zach Sobiech

osteosarcoma.  the word my dad mentioned to me before on the condition that took his brother's life away when he was 19. and this video made me cried so bad.

initially i wanted to share this in facebook but sharing this in my blog felt much more personal.  many people have shared this video, and the message that they got here is about cherishing life and live life to the fullest.  but for me this video brought light to me on how sad and difficult it is when one is losing a dear family member.

no one mentioned about the uncle that i've never met, maybe due to the pain that it still caused. but there are  old pictures of him with my cousin (who was 2/3 years old at that time) and whenever i look at that picture, any of my relatives sees me staring at it would remind me about him as the uncle that i've never met.  he looks happy and smiley, but who knows the pain that he has went through, especially at that era when breakthrough in medicine was still scarce.  even now there's no cure for this condition.

when i was a kid during all souls day we would visit the graveyards and clean them up while offering prayers and food to the ancestors.  but when it comes to my uncle's graved only the kids are allowed to clean it.  as of tradition adults that are older are not allowed to clean the graves of a younger person.  i would imagine at that time when there wasn't any kids around, since my uncle was the youngest, did they just leave the grave alone?  i've always been fascinated of what they offered to him, with drinks like coke and kfc, as how he would like it, unlike the ancestors they would offer tea and traditional chinese food instead.

my dad has always reminded me about not eating too much instant noodles because till now he still believes it was part of the cause of the condition that took his brother's life away.  both my parents constantly remind me to try not to fall and get any bruises from knocks for fear it would cause osteosarcoma.  when i ask dad how did they found out about the cancer he said it was on a sports day when my uncle fell and broke his leg that they knew he had cancer. zach had lived a longer life than my uncle had.  if i'm not mistaken my uncle only had a year after he was told he had cancer.

both my dad and grandpa took him to kuala lumpur from kuantan in search for better medication.  but from the term terminal cancer it sort of means this condition is pretty much incurable and the medication helps to ease the pain.  i guess it was still a painful thing for my dad to mention because he couldn't go on describing the events without a tear in his eye.  i didn't realize my naivety at that time because i was thinking it was leukemia where it is more common in young kids.  and i blamed the doctors for being stupid.  and i didn't bother to look up the word when my dad told me osteosarcoma, and told me to remember the term.  until i stumbled upon this video.

watching this video made me think, wow, it's so great that they got this taped.  and then i thought that it would make accepting his death even harder, and make them miss him even harder when they re-watch this.  but a part of me thought that at least it's better than to not have the chance to listen to his voice ever again.  it was such a debate in my mind.  death still sound foreign in my mind.  and i look up to this kid for being so brave and accepting to what comes his way.

till thursday

must. find. time. to. take. the. DSLR. for. a . spin!!

currently there's a few more days till finals and i'm stoked at the prospects of snapping pictures with the DSLR. i have so many ideas in my head and i've yet to have a chance to do it all and it's killing me silently inside ><.

so here's to a smooth final presentation *gulp* and riddance to all you grinches out there! 

*this post was suppose to be a rant post but i thought, hey, there's no space in this blog for that haha*

and i would rather plan a trip for my parents fyi. ;) opps. 

Moved on

today i realize i could still re-access to all the old messages from my old phone.

and i saw all the old messages.

it then hit me that.........i still miss him sometimes

i wonder if he'll remember today.

Revisiting the past

Not too long ago i dreamt about my late grandma.  She passed away a few years back, and it was the first time i've dreamt about her and it woke me up from my sleep because.... she was in my dreams, and when you dream, most of the time you won't realise it.  Until I went kind of like, oh grandma! it feels like i haven't seen you in a long time that the sudden realization that she has passed a few years back that jolted me awake from my sleep.  She looks fine in my dreams, busy preparing for a party for a cousin of mine, and for me it feels like a sign that she's doing great in afterlife :)

similarly, not too long ago i had a conversation with a friend about me talking to the family about whatever problems i have.  i mean, to me my family has always guided me when i'm facing uncertainty about things in life. i mean, yes, we do have arguments and things *which family doesn't have it?* but when it comes to advice my parents are always the first one i turn to.  it was a very weird concept for that friend at that time and it wasn't acceptable, but everyone is entitled to their own opinions so i left the conversation at where it was.

today i had the realization of how that idea has changed dramatically. i'm not sure when that happened, but it was certainly a good change.

a part of me wished that sometimes we don't need something to happen before we start appreciating the ones we love around us.

Like the waves

i'm currently at my last weekend of the week long holidays, which was abruptly cut short because of an interview i had in Singapore.  i'm having some guilt about not following the schedule where i do something productive like my assignments but instead i have been enjoying the search for new places to eat in jb hahaha. who cares, it's the holidays anyway. i shall suffer later :

not too long ago a friend lost a parent and it hit me that dealing with death is not as easy as i think. i know the usual phrase of "being in a better place" may sound like that best way to put the pain at ease but i find that trying to act like nothing had happen isn't the best way to deal with this.  sometimes being in a group where we make the occasional slip of tongue and mentioned dad and things would get slightly awkward.   i'm not sure how long this will last but i think she's holding up pretty strong... it's not easy to lose someone you love so much at such a young age..

i haven't been writing for sometime and thinking of something to write is getting quite difficult now.  and also to compose them into a sequence of readable and thoughtful phrases! hahah it is always the usual i'm-too-busy-i-have-something-more-important-to-do, bla bla whatever, but that is usually the honest case.  but, but!! i've just gotten a dslr!! and i'm super excited!!! gosh, thinking that the compact camera would be just fine what was i thinking!! i had a few test shots with it before handing it to dad for his europe trip and the pictures are perfect!! it's like a dream hahahah. can't wait for my last project to be over to test drive the camera for real ;)

Kinda Trapped

in my own world. 

growing up i've been taught that if you don't have anything nice to say, it's better that you don't speak of it.  i see this as a good piece of advice.  somehow we don't realize when we would hurt somebody, or being hurt by just words.  i believe in saying nice things when you actually want to yell at someone, but most of the time i would just say what i had in mind.  it takes a kind soul to still be nice to somebody you dislike.  the world will definitely be nicer with one less people yelling/scolding/being mad.  

speaking of templates, i have changed the template again. i like this a lot!! now i'll just have to change the header, write some stuff and make this blog alive again. from the pile of stuff that i'm suppose to do, this would probably take ages? gah. promises promises. there's so many things running in my head this blog is the place i spill it all out so i can sleep. till next time! 

I would rather write this, than

finishing up my Topical Studies? 

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Anyway today's the last day for 2012, so i thought *i think it's already a ritual for me to write THE last and final piece of blog post before the starting of another new year.*

i've long given up writing new years resolution. i prefer short term goals where i can actually achieve than plan it in a long stretch and then forgot about it. >< this doesn't mean i dislike resolutions, but whatever rocks your boat ;)

so this is not about what i would want to achieve in the new years, but rather, a long thank you and what i'm grateful for this year.

as my year is mostly divided to two parts (due to the semesters we have in school) and summer holidays which usually makes my memory of the upper half of the year fuzzy but i'll try to recall what i'm grateful for...lets see...

to my parents who are always there for me, you guys are the ones who will always believe in me, even in the times when i've felt so lost. speaking of which, i will be dedicating the topical studies book to them.

to my dearest little brother, for showing me what courage and having a steady planning ahead of you and being humble always beats being unsure, lost and proud. 

for my dear friends who have been around even when i'm a total fool of myself, i love you guys!! *muaks*

and to the new friend that i've made, here's a toast to the new friendship  ;)

to all the people at the company that i've interned in, you guys open up so much about what i could possibly learn in the real world of architecture. i thank you for giving me all the opportunity and treating me like a precious gem hahah. really appreciate it.

to all the guardian angels out there, thanks for watching out for me during hard times, and guiding me through life, in general.

to my conscience, thank you for not letting me get mad when dealing with difficult people. :) and to be wise and not bow down to peer pressure that surrounds me on a daily basis.

to urban zakapa, nell, busker busker and big bang, thank you for the music that has been bringing me through those long hard nights. yes, all of the above are korean bands/groups who makes music that i find really soothing and nice although i do not understand a word they sing. but all's good :)

for those indie hipsters that thinks indie music only consist of english music, you can just GTFO because good music can be in any form and language. liking indie music doesn't put you in a higher position in any way.

 and last but not least, to x,  i'm extremely grateful for your never ending presence that have guided me and through all the crazy ups and downs. it feels kinda weird not having you around now, but i'm getting use to it tho, although sometimes i do miss the late night chats. *hah*

how are you celebrating the last day of 2012? i'm just hopping the meeting tonight will end soon so i won't spend the new years in a meeting *ugh*

see you in 2013! *waves*